No one follows you on Yelp

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Yes, I’m aware that people can follow other people on Yelp!, but that doesn’t mean they should. In theory, Yelp! is a great idea: Hold businesses accountable by giving the power to the people and letting them review and rate their performance. No more haughty dipshits being paid off to write glowing restaurant reviews. No guessing as to whether or not a place is worth your time.

In practice, it’s a terrible idea, because everyone on the internet is a haughty dipshit.

For one thing, no one goes on Yelp! to say that a place was just ok. They either gush or they bitch, but that’s inherent in any crowdsourced assessment scenario. What’s much, much worse about Yelp! are people like the guy you see above, who turn Yelp! into their own personal blogging platform, as though anyone gives a shit what individuals have to say. Individuality is exactly the reason for Yelp!’s existence in the first place. An individual review is useless; it only has value when you aggregate opinions. That’s why when douche canoes post entirely-too-long missives about a goddamn chicken Philly cheese steak, it makes me want to throw my computer into a lake.

It’s a really dirty trick too, because turning Yelp! into a blog means you’re guaranteed to get pageviews. No one can critique you or your writing; the worst they can do is send you a message. You can say a review was “helpful,” but there’s no option to say that it was “the worst fucking thing I’ve ever seen.” That would be a really big button. It’s the same smarmy, anti-negativity bullshit that powers sites like BuzzFeed. Hell, you can even say a review was “funny,” which is not something a Yelp! review should ever aspire to be. No one should have to read an amateur dumbass attempt to make pizza “funny.” Even if people do “follow” you on Yelp!, get over yourself. No one’s waking up in the morning to check to see your latest review, as though your opinions drive the tastes of other people. They don’t.

322 goddamned reviews. That’s nearly one for every day. What does this guy even do all day, besides provide content to a popular website, for free?

If you want an online platform for expressing yourself that no one will read or care about, start an actual blog. It’s working out swell for me.

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