No Matter who Comes out Ahead Tomorrow, I Win Either Way

Image via cbsnews.com

Just as a reminder, election day is tomorrow, and anyone eligible should get out and vote in support of their favorite candidate. Of course I know who I’m voting for, but on the grand scale it doesn’t matter. Either candidate winning means I win too, because regardless of who our next president is one key victory is for certain: Barack Obama fans will finally have a reason to shut the hell up.

Being a young conservative is never very fashionable, and living in D.C. makes me rarer than days when Metro has no elevator outages. I’m not especially or fanatically conservative, and really the only things I skew hard-right on are economic issues. Otherwise, I’m squarely in the middle, or even a little left. Abort your babies! Marry your same-sex partner! I’m all for it, but that doesn’t stop every single ham-fisted bleeding edge liberal from looking at me like I just shat out an octopus when I say that I tend to vote republican. Without fail, whoever the person is will go on to use an obscene number of words that essentially boil down to “I love Obama because I think he’s cool”, as if I were the one to broach the subject. And I never am. I’m of the opinion that my political views are nobody’s business but my own, and would prefer it if everyone felt that way. Instead, anyone who isn’t a close friend feels it’s their duty to “save” me from… something. Whatever bad thing it is that happens when you vote republican, I guess.

The biggest reason I’m anxious for the Obama fanatics to shut it is the condescension. Young, white, affluent liberals are the most smug, condescending group of people on the planet. When I meet them and the subject comes up (because it always does), their response is usually something like “how could someone young and smart like you possibly vote republican?”, as though half of the country’s political ideology is some horrible mistake that no one’s caught on to but them. Some of them will attempt to “educate” me as to why what I believe is so catastrophic, like this fellow here:

And if you agree that women should have control over their own bodies and gay people should be able to marry, yet you begrudgingly accept that your party must appeal to people who virulently despise the notion of reproductive freedom and gay marriage in order to get them to vote for their economic policies, that is condescending nihilism, pure and simple, and I don’t understand how you walk around with that leaden hypocrisy in your chest all day. I wonder how history will view people who readily accepted that devil’s bargain, using closed-mindedness as a wedge to force people to accept their own poverty in the name of someone else’s profit.

Whoa there, guy-who-starred-in-the-worst-All State-commercial, that’s a lot of big words to tell me what an asshole I am. This comes towards the end of a piece where he promises not to patronize anyone, and then patronizingly goes about telling us how he “chose” to be a conservative because it was a way to stand out from his friends, but now he has seen the light. Except no he hasn’t. Choosing a political ideology because it seems hip or cool isn’t the same as actually agreeing with it, so don’t expect a pat on the back when having a hip liberal poster child as a presidential candidate makes it cool for you to go ahead and outwardly believe what you’ve believed on the inside the whole time. DC Pierson is so smug that even New England Patriots fans think he’s a little too much.

If I hear one more Obama trumpeter go on about how they’re voting for him because of his human or women’s rights “platform”, I’m going to shoot myself. My favorite is when they accuse my conservatism of not supporting equal pay for women, which is probably the most infuriating part. Laws to ensure equal pay? Guess what, those already fucking exist. The reason women make less than men on average is because women tend to be less aggressive when negotiating raises, promotions, and hiring offers. Birth control? No one is going to take away your goddamned birth control. There’s just an argument over who pays for it. How can I say I support gay marriage while voting for a party that opposes it? Well, I’m not gay, so as insensitive as it may sound that puts gay marriage pretty far down on my list of things to give a shit about. I’m concerned about the debt we’ve accrued and our dependence on foreign investment, and I believe the best way to cull that involves a smaller government that spends less. That’s all. Apparently, that also makes me a bigot, a homophobe, a racist, a misogynist, and religious fanatic by association.

For the people who carry on about hope and change, either the president’s “hope and change” wand has been in the shop for the last four years, or else they don’t understand how the executive branch of the government works. As I’ve said before, Barack Obama isn’t going to magically grant your gay friends the right to get married any sooner than Mitt Romney’s going to make birth control illegal. Yet still, I can’t walk outside my apartment or browse the internet without hearing from a pretentious Obama supporter who’s making their presidential decision based on factors almost entirely outside the realm of the president’s responsibility. Voting for a presidential candidate because he shares the same social philosophy as you is like hiring a CEO because their favorite color is the same as yours.

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, so let’s start acting that way. There are obvious advantages and validities to both sides; otherwise there wouldn’t be two sides. So enough with the condescension and smugness. My life didn’t change in any appreciable way when Barack Obama was elected four years ago, and I doubt it will change in any appreciable way tomorrow whether he’s re-elected or if Mitt Romney takes the reigns. Whatever happens, people will finally cease to have an excuse for telling the world how in love they are with Barack Obama.

That’s a change I can believe in.

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