Unsolicited Product Review for Eshu Skin Assist Shave Gel

Image via eshu.com.au

Let’s do an exercise. Take your ultimate object of desire, be it Candice Swanepoel, Ryan Gosling, or current-day Kirstie Alley. Imagine how intensely you would make sex on them if you had the chance. Congratulations, you’re about 13% of the way to imagining how sensually Eshu Skin Assist Shave Gel sexes up your face. This stuff makes love to your face in a way that’s illegal in 32 states and Puerto Rico. If you were to give a hooker the kind of facial that Eshu gives you, instead of you paying her, the cops would arrest you for being too generous a lover. No product has been more effective at getting men laid since the invention of Rohypnol. If you tried to use it to shave your chest hair, you’d only end up with more. True story, one time my wife used it to shave her legs and by the time she was done, she was pregnant.

When you first use it, you’ll have doubts. It’s somehow more watery than water, and as you apply it to your unworthy whiskers it foams up less than a warm, flat Natty Light. This is where a lesser shave gel would punish you for not being a true believer, but not Eshu. Eshu is a patient and loving God, and will wait for you to realize your foley on your own time. I’d say that Eshu Skin Assist Shave Gel would make filleting your own skin off a comfortable experience, but Eshu won’t let that happen. You could use a live wolverine as a razor and you still couldn’t cut yourself if you tried. In fact, Eshu Shave Gel is what male wolverines secrete to to subdue the females into mating without chewing their faces off (citation needed).

No one has paid me to endorse this stuff, and I doubt the folks at Eshu know I even exist. But the fact is that I’ve used products nearly twice as expensive that weren’t half as good as Eshu Skin Assist Shave Gel. If you can find it, get it. You will not be sorry.

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